Slack

I'm being slack in so many areas of my life that I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I need to do in order to catch up.  I'm in charge of, responsible for and obligated to too many things.  I know it, but I don't really think there's much I can do about it.  I obligate myself for fear that if I don't do it, it won't get done.  But in reality, because I'm doing it, a lot of my own stuff doesn't get done.  This is totally un-weight loss related, I'm just venting.

On the upside, I stood on the scale this morning (just for fun) and I'm down to my pre-Carson weight... 167!  Now on to pre-Jonah weight... many pounds away!  We passed pre-Caden weight a while back.

4/24 but I still did it!

I am now officially out of the 170s!!  As of this week's weigh-in, I'm at 168.8.  That's exciting.  I'm noticing though that being under 170 has made me less conservative with my eating.  I need to nip that in the bud!

On Monday, I enjoyed my fourth dessert of the year--fudge brownie caramel swirl (or something like that) ice cream.  Yum!!  It was free with dinner Monday night so I took advantage.  There's no way I could've eaten more than that, though.  It was so rich but it packed a lot of good dessert into one small space--ice cream, brownie and chocolate and caramel goodness all in one!

I'm not, however, doing so well with my new resolve against laziness.  I'm doing less sitting but no more focused exercise.  Hmm... I'll keep working!

LOSER

I AM A LOSER THIS WEEK!!!!! :) I never thought I would be so happy to say I am a loser, but I have lost a POUND~ Yep a whole pound!!!! Wooo-Hoooo!

Lent

The season of Lent is upon us and although I'm not Catholic, I have over the years adopted the practice of giving something up during these six weeks.  My normal Lent sacrifice is any type of sweets and dessert.  But, those are basically already gone so I've had to find something else.  I've considered a lot of things--bread, deep fried foods--interestingly, they all seem to revolve around food.  I do think I'll give up deep fried which means no fries, no fried chicken, no hush puppies and worst of all no tater tots.  And I may get rid of superfluous bread.  I'd say bread altogether, but I'm not sure I can do it.  But the one thing I've thought about and not yet made a commitment to is giving up laziness where exercise is concerned.  I NEED to exercise and this may be a way to jump start it.  I can justify not exercising when it's just me, but where God's concerned, my justifications are useless.  So, here goes people... I'm giving up my lack of exercise for Lent.  God, help me.

Steady

I have weighed the same for the last almost two months, 222. I could be upset, I could be worried, but I know I have done nothing "right" since restarting my "diet". I have eaten, drank, and not exercised since the beginning of this. I know that is wrong. I know what I am doing and what I shouldn't be doing.....

I truly believe that I need counseling, I have been through it in the past to deal with emotions and my divorce......as well as other issues that keep presenting themselves. Now, I know that I am a food addict, and I don't know how to stop it on my own. I also worry about my drinking.... I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I do think that I am teetering way to close to the edge.

I eat and I drink to deal with emotions that I don't want to confront. I am so lonely, I am so down on myself, I hate coming home alone every single night.

I have been out on the town, and met NO ONE worth anything, even though I tried. I have tried match.com and have only gotten responses looking for one night stands. I tried eharmony, only to find scam artists....

I don't know what else to do, I don't know how to make friends, let alone meet potential mates. I have a few friends at work, but no one that I truly can socialize with. All my "friends" either have husbands, kids, or other things. I am the only single one who absolutely "yearns" for something more.

I want someone to share my life with, I want to quit feeling so alone. I want to have a man that wants me both physically and emotionally.

Life (God or whatever else) has given me things in life as I have needed them, and I would not be where I am without them. I do KNOW that everything happens for a reason, but I am tired of being alone. I am tired of having limited friendships, boyfriends or even hook ups.

Life shouldn't be this hard. Yet I cannot get over the fact that if I were skinny, life would be easier. My weight is a deterrent to all men that I might meet, yet I just cannot get myself motivated.

My life is a double edged sword.......

New month, new stats...

I weighed this morning and as predicted, I missed my goal of being out of the 170s by about a pound.  I'm not complaining because it's still a loss and I'll just continue to plug away until I get there.  At this point, I've lost just over 11 pounds and am about 16 pounds from my 155 goal.  I think before I would have scoffed at a mere 11 pounds because it doesn't seem very significant over a two month period.  But, I know that slow and steady is much better than rapid and drastic so I'm satisfied.  I'm especially satisfied because I've had to change so few of my eating habits.  It's funny that now when I'm faced with dessert, I really think about it where as before I would have just shoved it in and not worried about the consequences.  Setting that 24 desserts for the year goal has made me second guess every sweet decision... is it really worth one of my 24 desserts for a moment of yum?  Usually not which is why two months are gone and I've only eaten 3 sweet things!

I haven't the time this morning to give a complete run down of stats but my current weight is 170.8 (down 11.2 from January 1) and most of my measurements are close to the same, although my waist measured at 30.25 this morning which is down a bit I think.  I'll be more accurate with my next post.  Happy March!

3/24

So yesterday I broke down and ate my 3rd dessert of the year.  No guilt and no cravings--the opportunity presented itself (I baked chocolate cheesecake squares for a thing at church) and I was told they turned out really well so I tried them... and they were  right!  I shared with the baby and since I'd (unintentionally) had no breakfast and ate a pretty light lunch, I figured, why not?  I'm happy to weigh tomorrow... I don't think I'm going to quite be out of the 170s as I'd hoped but I should be close.  Maybe a bunch of water and fiber today will do the trick!  :)

A long time

It's been a long time since 1, I have logged in and 2, have weighed. After two deaths in the family, a disappointing loss of the house, a 40 hour car trip in 5 days and lots of eating out/not sleeping, I am finally falling back into a routine.

I haven't weighed and I am not going to until Tuesday the 1st. I think that will allow me to be back to "normal" (whatever that means :)!).

I am failing miserably though. As a colleague told me yesterday, "I am a food addict" I am too a food addict. I think I need therapy. Maybe that is not such a bad idea since food is my emotional outlet.

Slow and Steady

It's weigh in day... and I'm down, which is good!  But the going is slow, which I guess is also good because it makes things easier to maintain...but it sure would be nice one of these weeks to see a big drop!
On a happy note, I made it through the chocolate holiday without consuming any!

On to the stats...

Feb. 15 Stats (original/new)               (this week/overall)

Weight:  182/176.4/174.2/172.6                       -1.6/-9.4
Measurements:
Waist:  34in/32.25in/32in/31                           -1/-3in
Hips:  46in/44.5in/44in/--                               --/-2in
Thighs:  R-- 28in/27in/26in/--                         --/-2in     
              L-- 27.5in/26.5in/25.5in/--               --/-2in
Chest: 39in/37.5in/36in/35                             -1/-4in  



If I'm going to meet my goal of being out of the 170's by the end of the month, I've got some serious work to do!! 

Emotions Run Hign

So, this past week has gone from jubilation to despair, to ho-hum..... I gained weight, I thought I bought a house, I lost the house, I got the house again, and now I am just waiting (not optimistically) for final word on the house. I found out that my family visit in 2 weeks is canceled due to the impending doom that my sister-in-law will lose her job. I have eaten quite well considering the emotional roller coaster. I also have changed my weigh in's to every other week so that I have a little more time etc and to keep the weighing from getting me do every week! :0).

Now, onto bigger and better things and hope that I am not homeless as of April 1st, as I got out of my lease 2 months early, because I thought I bought a house.

I lied.

I did not get to serve myself this weekend.  For the first time since I can remember, the kitchen staff served us.  All in all, I didn't do too bad.  They have very reasonable serving sizes and I didn't do any seconds or desserts.  Beyond that, it was a wonderful and much needed weekend off from everything that drives my daily life.  So, if I step on the scale Tuesday and the numbers aren't fabulous, I'd say it's a pretty good trade-off.

Out of Town

The hubby and I are going out of town this weekend.  The good news is we won't be eating in any restaurants... the bad news is we won't be preparing our food either.  We're headed to Laurel Ridge and staying at Higgins Lodge.  The kitchen staff prepares all the meals--which is awesome because I'll have nothing to do but enjoy the music conference we're going to but it will make controlling my portions more difficult.  At least I get to serve myself, so if I can force myself to put less on my plate than I think I can eat, I'll be in good shape.  AND I'm still deciding whether dessert #3 will be this weekend or whether I'd rather wait for another time... guess I'll wait and see what they're serving!  Wish me luck... next weigh in on Tuesday!

Well Well Well

Ok, so I weighed yesterday with Rachel, and somehow gained 5 pounds in week. I am not sure what my body is doing. I am upset! I hate this yo-yo effect and I don't know how to stop it! So, Rachel gave me a meal plan for 7 days, totally strict to see what happens. Here's hoping that something finally changes!

It's Superbowl Sunday... so?

Nothing much to report.  We'll watch the Superbowl this evening at home and probably eat leftovers from dinner last night... so I don't have to worry about trying to be social and navigate around tons of finger foods swimming in grease and fat and sugar--the things that charm me most.  I've stayed on the water and am still nagging my other half to finish the office so I can regain my elliptical.  I've eaten pretty well and feel like I'm in the groove of this dieting thing, for now.  I know that somewhere around the corner temptation is waiting like bait to hook me and reel me in but until then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing since I'm seeing results.  When I stop seeing those results then I'll reassess and continue.  So, nothing profound today... just keeping on!

Even after....

A great weekend with food and drinks and everything I wasn't suppose to do, and I am now at 219... Yep, that's 3 lbs down in a week! Finally this thing may have been jump started! I haven't been measuring, although I should, but I am waiting patiently to fit into my size 16's comfortably, that is my goal by March 1st, not so much the scale but the jeans! That will hopefully get me below 210!!! Today is a good day!

Weigh-in #2

I knew going in to this morning that my numbers weren't going to be as big as they were on my last stat update.  I'm totally okay with that--as long as they go down.  AND... they did!  :)

Feb. 1 Stats (original/w.i. 1/new)               (this week/overall)

Weight:  182/176.6/174.2                           -2.4/-7.8
Measurements:
Waist:  34in/32.25in/32in                           -.25/-2in
Hips:  46in/44.5in/44in                              -.5/-2in
Thighs:  R-- 28in/27in/26in                         -1/-2in     
              L-- 27.5in/26.5in/25.5in               -1/-2in
Chest: 39in/37.5in/36in                             -1.5/-3in  


So not a huge weight loss but decent and I'm happy with the measurements.  I find it really hard to make sure I'm taking the measurements the same way every time but I think I'm getting better at it.  I'll forge ahead for another two weeks and see if we can break the barrier into the low 170's.  My goal is to say goodbye to the 170's forever by my March 1 weigh-in.  Also in my list of goals for this month is to EXERCISE... wish me luck! 

2/24

Today I had my cake (and my ice cream) and ate it too.  It was good--not great.  What was great was watching my boy demolish his cake... funny and messy but beyond adorable.  I've been trying to balance today out a bit by drinking plenty of water because I think perhaps that's what's been wrong with me on Mondays.  I don't eat as well or drink as much water in general on the weekends and it hits hard.  However, this weekend I changed that...at least the water drinking part.  Yesterday I cleaned all day (which  will probably go down as my 200+ minutes of exercise this week) and I filled up my water glass at every available opportunity.  I had a good eating day until I fixed supper but I felt that I had earned it with all my hard work!  Today was oatmeal for breakfast, mexican (although less than usual) for lunch, cake and ice cream mid-afternoon and frozen pizza with fritos for supper.  Nothing other than water to drink though, and a lot more of it than on a regular weekend.

Weigh in on Tuesday... we'll see how it goes.  I'm not expecting the big numbers like I had on the 15th but then the second is never as good as the first is it?  Hopefully it will be enough to keep me motivated to continue, but then again, I'm not sure I need motivating--I've felt better and am pretty happy with the clothes fitting better so I think I'll keep on keeping on.

Cameron also cleaned this weekend and thankfully, I think my elliptical is almost completely uncovered!  That means that perhaps I will quit making excuses for not exercising and actually exercise!!  I'll let you know how that goes!  :)

Fantastic Weekend

I have had the best weekend since moving to Macon! Bars, food, friends, music! What I didn't do is diet or exercise and I don't blame me one bit or feel bad about it! What a Fantabulous time was had by all!!!!

Life is much more than dieting!!!!!

Blah

That is all.


No, really.  I thought the blahs were going to be limited to Monday but they've carried on this week.  I've done fairly well until suppertime this week.  Then I get to supper and eat... really eat.  Well.  Dessert #2 coming up on Sunday for my precious boy's 1st birthday party.  Happy Birthday today to him!  :)

Emotional Wreck

The last month of my life has been an emotional roller coaster. Past relationships have surfaced unexpectedly. I thought I was dealing with them head on, until today happened. The man that I have loved for almost the past 6.5 yrs resurfaced after almost 5 full months on Monday. I had made the psychological decision to be alone for the rest of my life, to not marry and the dream of having children of my own was given up. In short, life I as I currently living it, alone, with only 1-2 friends, I accepted.

Tonight, I said good-bye to Dave. Although, logically he said good-bye to me in August, tonight hit me hard.

In the last 5 hours I have cried, laughed, been told the "truth" by a friend and realized that maybe, just maybe, that what made this hard was the fact that I was finally confronting the "truth" of life.

In reaction to these emotions, I ate what I wasn't supposed to (in every sense). I have drank some beers to dull my pain. I know, looking at recent events, that I am an emotional eater/drinker. When life hands me lemons, I eat and most definitely DRINK to erase the emotional responses.

I don't have any idea on how to break this cycle. I am in a brand new place, alone, lonely, and without outlets for this energy.

A mess, is a good way to describe my psychological state. I only wish that my response to these type of events was positive and did not include eating and drinking.